Why me? The Rhetorical Question Game Show By Matt Starr
9/23/10
INT. GAME SHOW STUDIO Opening Titles are in big, bubbly letters. VOICE OVER Do you know what time it is? It’s time to play, Why me? with the host who needs no introduction because you know he’s the host, Kip Mulcahey! KIP is a middle-aged man with shiny teeth wearing a nice suit. KIP Hey there everyone, aren’t you happy to be here? The crowd chants "Yes!" KIP I know. Welcome to Why me, where the fun is rhetorical. We’ve got three great contestants don’t we? Say hello to Mary Gilbert of Ottumwa, Iowa. Mary is a bookish-looking Generation X lady. wildly at the camera.
She waves
KIP Austin Farley from Glenville, Indiana. Austin is bespectacled and flaps his fingers against his motionless hand to greet the camera. KIP And our returning champion, Debra Guardabascio from Staten Island, New York. Debra has big hair and her fingers wriggle off a taut wrist at the camera. KIP For those of you tuning in for the first time, I am going to ask a question and they are going to try to give me the answer to get points. And here on Why me, all of the questions are rhetorical. Simple enough? (CONTINUED)
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2.
Question one: Don’t you think I know the difference between right and wrong? The contestants stand a moment looking bewildered. Mary buzzes in. MARY Of course you do, you-KIP Mary, the question was rhetorical. Minus 100. Austin buzzes in. AUSTIN You would have to-KIP I am sorry Austin, the question was still rhetorical. Minus 100. Debra stands behind her podium filing her nails. Time runs out with three beeps. KIP Moving forward. Question 2: Don’t you understand I am just doing this show to prove a point? Austin buzzes in. AUSTIN Yes, I understand that but-KIP Eh eh ehhh, Austin. The question. Was. Rhetorical. 100.
Minus
Mary buzzes in. MARY I don’t understand-KIP Doesn’t matter Mary, the question is rhetorical. Minus 100. (CONTINUED)
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3.
Debra cracks her gum. Time runs out with three beeps. KIP We’re going to take this chance to check in with our leader and returning champion, Debra Guardabascio of Staten Island. Debra, can you believe how stupid people can be on tv? DEBRA You think I care? KIP Please! Can someone explain to me why you are all here? DEBRA You think I would rather be at home with my kids? KIP And that’s why she’s the reigning champ. Checking in Debra is in the lead with zero. Austin and Mary are tied with negative 200. Final question of the round. MARY Do I get a chance to say hello to my family? KIP I am sorry Mary, that was an actual question, and the answer is no. Final question of the round: Why me? Why has this happened to me? AUSTIN Because... KIP NO AUSTIN FROM GLENVILLE! THERE IS NO ANSWER! THE QUESTION IS RHETORICAL! JESUS! We have reached the point in the show where I just can’t take it anymore. Debra wins again.
(CONTINUED)
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4.
DEBRA You think I care? KIP Thanks for tuning in, we’ll see you again next time, won’t we? Crowd chants yes. KIP Ugh, I know! It’s rhetorical! Black out!
