Wanking Protocol—When You Have A Roommate From the “Guide To Getting It On”—6th edition www.GuideToGettingItOn.com
Even if they’re not particularly horny, a lot of people masturbate in bed at night to help turn their brains off. This can be especially necessary when you’ve had a full or stressful day and you need as much sleep as possible. Lying there awake just makes you feel more stressed. Firing up a 30-amp vibrator or humping your teddy bear until his stuffing starts to explode is usually not a problem when you have your own room. But tender moments with yourself can be few and far between when you have a roommate. Add to this the fact that most of us would find it less embarrassing to be walked in on while we are having sex with a partner than when we’ve got our hands in our own pants. The usual solution is to wait quietly until your roommate is making sleeping noises. This is not as easy as it sounds, since your roommate is probably waiting for you to make sleeping noises as well. Fortunately, there are common-sense solutions that they usually don’t tell you about at your college orientation. First, is to pull out your trusty copy of The Guide, point to this page, and say to your roommate, “Hmm. I wonder if we should talk about this?” Of course, there are those roommate situations where you’d rather be anally penetrated by a herd of buffaloes before talking about masturbation, but let’s say your current roommate is reasonable and probably has some of the same needs that you do. So here are some solutions that roommates in the past have found to be helpful. Some roommates are most comfortable only adopting the first solution, others more. It depends on your situation and your comfort level:
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You agree to share with each other your class and work schedules, and if there is a change, you will notify your roommate, especially if a class was cancelled and you’re returning early. A quick call or a long, loud series of knocks on the door accompanied by a thoughtful, “I can come back in ten minutes” shows consideration.
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You agree that if you are leaving and won’t be right back, to tell your roommate, “I’ll be gone for at least ??? minutes.” Don’t come back before then unless it’s totally necessary, in which case you’ll knock loudly and wait to hear “Come on in” before coming on in.
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You agree that after the lights are out, it’s fine to masturbate as long as you are reasonable about it. While it’s impossible to be totally
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silent, one doesn’t need to sound like a porn star or a Mr. Americawannabe who can’t unrack a dumbbell without grunting loudly.
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You agree that it’s okay to rub one out first thing in the morning while you are still in bed to help to tame a raging A.M. erection or to relieve a crippling case of sunrise horniness. You agree that if one of you has a significant other at a different school or on a another part of the planet, you will try to work out specific times when that person can be alone to Skype or be on the phone with his or her lover. That way, if they want to get themselves off while aided by the sound of their lover’s voice or from the cam that’s between his or her legs, there’s no problem. However, this is one of those things that a less-than-sensitive roommate can easily abuse, so the one doing the phoning needs to be fair, reasonable and not overdue it. You agree that if one of you is seeing a person who is abstinenceonly to the fullest degree or not interested in having sex—that upon returning from an evening with this person, at least fifteen or twenty minutes of alone time will be provided.
Two things to avoid: Masturbating with earphones or plugs in your ears, as you won’t be able to hear your roommate’s warning knock; Never, ever masturbate in a bathroom stall unless it’s in your own dorm and it’s pretty well understood that everyone does it. The problem with relieving yourself in a public rest room is that it could be against the law and you could get busted if there’s a sting operation going on. It doesn’t matter if you have the stall door locked and are being discreet. And finally: Tissues and toilet paper remain the usual standbys for guys to masturbate into, although socks and dark-colored underwear are strong contenders. For guys who are wanking in the shower, it’s better to use hair conditioner for lube than soap, although when the conditioner claims that it adds volume or thickness, your penis is not what they had in mind. This is from “Guide To Getting It On”–6th edition Copyright©2010 Goofy Foot Press www.GuideToGettingItOn.com
