Good Doctor Goode From The Last Radio Show by Todd Wallinger A parody of those old-time radio soap operas. Note that you can perform this with as few as 2M/2F, with Announcer doubling for Mr. Johnson and Mr. Malaria and Nurse Jane doubling for Mrs. Malaria.

ANNOUNCER DOCTOR GOODE NURSE JANE MR. JOHNSON NURSE JOAN MRS. MALARIA MR. MALARIA

ANNOUNCER: We now present Good Doctor Goode, the story of a handsome young physician who breaks as many hearts as he heals. As we rejoin our story, Doctor Goode is at Fairview Hospital, making his morning rounds. DOCTOR GOODE: Good morning, Nurse. How does Mr. Johnson's chart look today? NURSE JANE: Excellent, Doctor Goode. His heart rate is up. His blood count is up. Everything is up, up, up. DOCTOR GOODE: You're reading the chart upside down. NURSE JANE: Oh. In that case, Mr. Johnson is dead. (MR. JOHNSON moans.) DOCTOR GOODE: He's not dead yet. Sounds like he's still got some life in him. MR. JOHNSON: (Weakly.) Water. I need water. NURSE JANE: Here you go, Mr. Johnson. MR. JOHNSON: Thank you, Nurse.

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NURSE JANE: That'll be three hundred dollars. MR. JOHNSON: AAAAAH! DOCTOR GOODE: Okay, that killed him. NURSE JANE: Orderly! We've got another one! DOCTOR GOODE: You know, Nurse, you seem very distracted today. Are you feeling all right? NURSE JANE: I don't know what's wrong with me, Doctor. Every time I stand near you, my heart beats faster and I break out in a cold sweat. DOCTOR GOODE: Well, it could be one of two things. Either you're madly in love with me or you've got a bad case of lumbago. NURSE JANE: What should I do, Doctor? DOCTOR GOODE: Take two aspirin and call me in the morning. NURSE JANE: What if it's love? DOCTOR GOODE: Take three aspirin and never call me again. NURSE JOAN: (Muffled, as over an intercom.) Calling Doctor Goode. Calling Doctor Goode. You're wanted in Room 104, Doctor Goode. DOCTOR GOODE: Excuse me, Nurse. I have to go. NURSE JANE: Oh, you doctors are all alike! You make a girl fall in love with you, then the moment some sickie rings their little buzzer, you run out! DOCTOR GOODE: Hello, Nurse. NURSE JOAN: Hello, Doctor Goode. I set out your surgical instruments for you. DOCTOR GOODE: What seems to be the problem? NURSE JOAN: Take a look for yourself, Doctor. This patient is gravely ill. DOCTOR GOODE: I see what you mean. His face is pale, his eyes are bloodshot and his moustache is all droopy. NURSE JOAN: No, no. That's not the patient. That's the patient's wife.

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DOCTOR GOODE: Forget the surgical instruments. Get me a paper bag. MRS. MALARIA: Excuse me, Doctor. Are you N. E. Goode? DOCTOR GOODE: I'm not bad. MRS. MALARIA: No, I mean are you Neil Emerson Goode, the famous surgeon? DOCTOR GOODE: Yes, I am. What can I do for you? MRS. MALARIA: My husband has been diagnosed with a terminal disease and we'd like to get a second opinion. DOCTOR GOODE: Very well. Let me examine him. (Examining the patient.) Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. NURSE JOAN: What did you find, Doctor? DOCTOR GOODE: Well, I may be going out on a limb here, but I would say he definitely has a disease. NURSE JOAN: What do you make of that pineapple growing out of his head? DOCTOR GOODE: Must be a tropical disease. MRS. MALARIA: I don't know how, Doctor. My husband hasn't been anywhere near the tropics. DOCTOR GOODE: Has he been near any fruit stands? NURSE JOAN: Excuse me, Doctor Goode, but I don't think this line of questioning is getting us anywhere. DOCTOR GOODE: You're right, Nurse. There's only one way to get to the bottom of this. Please hand me my copy of 1001 Rare and Very Expensive Diseases. NURSE JOAN: But Doctor, I've already gone through the book five times. There's no mention of a pineapple anywhere. DOCTOR GOODE: Are you suggesting I discovered a new disease? NURSE JOAN: Yes, Doctor. I am.

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DOCTOR GOODE: Do you realize what this means? I'll get written up in all the medical journals! I'll get my picture in all the newspapers! I'll finally be able to get a tee time on Sundays! MRS. MALARIA: What about my husband? DOCTOR GOODE: He'll have to get his own tee time. NURSE JOAN: You know, Doctor, if you want credit for discovering this disease, you're going to have to come up with a name for it. DOCTOR GOODE: Excellent point, Nurse. What should I call it? NURSE JOAN: How about Goode's Disease? DOCTOR GOODE: Goode's Disease. I like it. Simple, direct, yet with a hint of selfabsorption. MR. MALARIA: Hey, wait a minute. I'm the one with the disease. Why should it be named after you? DOCTOR GOODE: Because I'm the doctor. And besides, your name is already taken, Mr. Malaria. MRS. MALARIA: Oh, dear! The pineapple is getting bigger! NURSE JOAN: You've got to remove it, Doctor, before it explodes! DOCTOR GOODE: All right, Nurse. Prepare for surgery. NURSE JOAN: Prepare for surgery! MRS. MALARIA: Prepare for surgery! MR. MALARIA: Prepare for surgery! DOCTOR GOODE: Who are you talking to? MR. MALARIA: Sorry. I got carried away. DOCTOR GOODE: Yes, well, keep that up and I'll see that you are carried away. NURSE JOAN: Here's the anesthesia, Doctor. DOCTOR GOODE: Very good, Nurse. Now just relax, Mr. Malaria, and start counting backwards from a thousand.

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MR. MALARIA: A thousand? I thought I was supposed to count backwards from a hundred. DOCTOR GOODE: It's a very low dose. MR. MALARIA: One thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine, nine hundred ninety-eight… NURSE JOAN: I think he's out. DOCTOR GOODE: Excellent, Nurse. You can now bring in the next patient. NURSE JOAN: But Doctor, you haven't operated on this one yet. DOCTOR GOODE: Trust me. We get into a lot less trouble this way. MRS. MALARIA: You can't just leave my husband in this condition. What kind of doctor are you? DOCTOR GOODE: Funny you should ask. I actually started out as a tree surgeon. MRS. MALARIA: Really? What made you switch to people? DOCTOR GOODE: I wanted to branch out. MRS. MALARIA: Oh, no! The pineapple is growing as big as a house! DOCTOR GOODE: Please don't exaggerate, Mrs. Malaria. You can see it's no bigger than a two-room flat. MRS. MALARIA: Well, you'd better remove it before it turns into a high-rise! DOCTOR GOODE: Very well. Are you ready, Nurse? NURSE JOAN: Yes, Doctor. DOCTOR GOODE: All right then. Scalpel. NURSE JOAN: Scalpel. DOCTOR GOODE: Paring knife. NURSE JOAN: Paring knife. DOCTOR GOODE: Melon scooper.

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NURSE JOAN: Melon scooper— Wait a minute, Doctor. Are you performing surgery or are you making a fruit salad? DOCTOR GOODE: Well, now that you mention it, I haven't eaten all day. NURSE JOAN: This is ridiculous. I'll just remove the pineapple myself. DOCTOR GOODE: Be careful, Nurse. A pineapple-ectomy is a very delicate procedure. NURSE JOAN: Phooey. I'll just grab the pineapple here and— (Makes a popping sound.) MRS. MALARIA: You did it, Nurse! You saved my husband! DOCTOR GOODE: This calls for a celebration. MRS. MALARIA: Not just a celebration. A luau! DOCTOR GOODE: I'm sorry, Mrs. Malaria, but a luau is simply out of the question. NURSE JANE: Why? DOCTOR GOODE: Because we'd have to find someone with a pig growing out of their head. ANNOUNCER: And so we come to the end of another episode of Good Doctor Goode. Join us again next week when we'll hear Doctor Goode say— DOCTOR GOODE: And how will you be paying for the operation, Mrs. Malaria? MRS. MALARIA: My husband's government insurance should cover it. DOCTOR GOODE: I knew it! MRS. MALARIA: How could you know that? DOCTOR GOODE; Because you only have to take one look at that pineapple growing out of his head to know that he's on the Dole.

To purchase the entire play, email the playwright at [email protected].

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