From The Greek Mythology Olympiaganza Act One Chapter I. Introduction. (The set may truly be anything. Greek pillars. A school. A bare stage. Perhaps a complete Dionysian temple with roasting spits of pigs if you have that kind of budget. If you don’t, perhaps toy pigs.) (NARRATOR 1 enters with a stack of note cards. She is well-dressed and somewhat nervous.) NARRATOR 1 Hello audience. (she flips her note card.) My name is— (she flips her note card)
and I’m here today to give my presentation on Greek Mythology in an informative, entertaining and (flips card) Entertaining manner. (realizes she’s written “entertaining” twice and destroys note card.) Now I know what some of you are thinking. (she laughs in a very forced manner.) I hate Greek Mythology. (points to someone in the audience.) I hate school. (points to someone else in the audience) I hate my hair. But— (flips note card) You are in for a treat, because my partner — (NARRATOR 2 storms onto the stage, wearing an outlandishly nerdy outfit. NARRATOR 2 is the exact opposite of nervous.) NARRATOR 2 ALL RIGHT PEOPLE ARE YOU READY TO LEARN ABOUT THE GEEKS!!!? Yeah! That’s what I’m talking about! GEEEEKS!! Who’s with me! Scream it! Scream it! GEEEKS! (NARRATOR 2 is unimpressed with the audience reaction.) That’s cool, all right, I know what you’re doing then. You’re just like, feeling me out— okay, I got it. So… Let’s talk about Geek Mythology. According to Wikipedia, there are many different types of geeks. You’ve got your physics geeks, your sci-fi geeks, your theatre geeks (He points sneakily at NARRATOR 1)
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Your historical re-enactment geeks, your computer game geeks, your fantasy adventure role-playing geeks, but this is what you gotta know. NARRATOR 1 What are you doing? NARRATOR 2 I’m giving my presentation. It rocks. Thank you. Now your basic geek can be identified by their lack of social skills—they may have a difficult time hitting on girls— (hitting on a girl in the audience) What’s up? NARRATOR 1 We’re supposed to be doing a presentation on Greek Mythology. Greek. (NARRATOR 2 stops.) NARRATOR 2 Why would we do that? NARRATOR 1 Because that’s what we’ve been studying for the past two months. NARRATOR 2 Seriously? NARRATOR 1 Have you been paying attention at all? NARRATOR 2 I’ve got an Ipod, I don’t pay attention to anything. Ipod ROCKS! NARRATOR 1 Shut up. Why did I get partnered with you? NARRATOR 2 You were sick the day people were choosing partners. NARRATOR 1 Right. We’re supposed to be doing a presentation on Greek Mythology. All of it. NARRATOR 2 All of it? NARRATOR 1 All of it.
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NARRATOR 2 Dang. Okay, here’s what we do: we go to Wikipedia, we copy and paste it onto our computer—and then we just turn that in. Bam. NARRATOR 1 First, we are giving the presentation right now. Second, Wikipedia is totally unreliable. Anybody can just go in there and write whatever they want and change things around— NARRATOR 2 Yeah, you should check out the entry on you. NARRATOR 1 There’s an entry on me? NARRATOR 2 I put one in last night. I think I got the basic facts right, but there’s a lot of things I had to invent. Like I don’t even know what kind of wax you use on your mustache. NARRATOR 1 Listen, doofus— NARRATOR 2 Ooh, doofus—harsh words. NARRATOR 1 We have to do this right now, all of Greek mythology, are you in? NARRATOR 2 All right, all right, but we gotta… jazz it up, you know? Like make it interesting and… I got some ideas, just go with me— (NARRATOR 2 grabs NARRATOR 1 and whispers in her ear.) Hold on people. NARRATOR 1 That’s not legal in this state. (He whispers something else to her. She looks out at the audience.) You think so? NARRATOR 2 They won’t even know the difference. NARRATOR 1 All right. Well let me get my chart. NARRATOR 2 You don’t need your chart.
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NARRATOR 1 I spent a lot of time on my chart and I just— NARRATOR 2 You use a chart and I walk. NARRATOR 1 Fine. (She takes a deep breath.) All right—we’re on the same page now— NARRATOR 2 Exact same page. NARRATOR 1 And we’re gonna start this over— NARRATOR 2 Starting over ROCKS! NARRATOR 1 So just um… we’ll be right back. (NARRATOR 1 and NARRATOR 2 run off.) (Lights go down.) : If your theatre can manage special effects, this is the time for it. Otherwise, try to approximate the spirit of what is described. (A spotlight circles crazily around the dark stage. Loud drumming. Perhaps a sports theme song.) NARRATOR 2 (off-stage, on a microphone, booming like a boxing announcer) ARRRRE YOU READDY TO LEARN ABOUT GREEK MYTHOLOGEEEEE?! (Explosions. Flames. High-energy pulsating music and colored lights. Everything you would see before going to a professional basketball game.) (The lights come up. NARRATOR 1 and NARRATOR 2, now wearing togas over their clothes, explode onto the stage.) NARRATOR 2 Yi-yi-yi-yi! NARRATOR 1
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Hold onto your seats because in the next two hours you are going to be taken on a journey— NARRATOR 2 (providing an echo effect) Journey Journey Journey journey— NARRATOR 1 Into the mind of the ancient Greek. NARRATOR 2 Thrills! Gyrations! Aggravations! Exhortations! Other things! I’m talking about sons killing fathers who killed their fathers who had some other kids that are like gigantic monsters with twenty five thousand heads and they’re all poisonous and eating all kinds of stuff and it’s awesome! NARRATOR 1 My name is and I will be your captain NARRATOR 2 Captain captain captain NARRATOR 1 This evening NARRATOR 2 evening evening evening NARRATOR 1 And I will be guiding you into the murky depths of mythology and bringing you back out again on the other side— NARRATOR 2 And my name is and I am the pied piper of cool, the lieutenant Spock to your Captain Kirk, the father of the fable, the legend of legends, and front man of this band of merry misfits! NARRATOR 1 Joining us on-stage— NARRATOR 2 The dream team! (The ACTORS emerge, in various states of preparedness. Some are pushed on. Some don’t want to be here. Some are doing calisthenics. Some appear as if they been announced at a basketball game.) Trained by Stanislavsky, Stella Adler, and a homeless guy named Bernie, they represent the peak of thespianical achievement!
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(to the ACTORS) All right, get off the stage. (The ACTORS leave, irate.) NARRATOR 1 Let’s calm it down for a moment, shall we? When you think about the Greeks, what do you think about? (She looks for answers in the audience.) Anyone? Anyone? (NARRATOR 2 raises his hand.) NARRATOR 2 Ooh. Me. NARRATOR 1 What? NARRATOR 2 That hairy guy who owns a restaurant. NARRATOR 1 While it’s true that many Greeks are hirsute and do own restaurants— NARRATOR 2 And gyros. I think about gyros. NARRATOR 1 You’ll be surprised to know that they started Western culture. In fact, if it weren’t for the Greeks we’d just be a bunch of naked illiterate savages painting ourselves blue and eating raw deer. NARRATOR 2 That sounds awesome. NARRATOR 1 And as punishment for their contribution to Western culture, we’ve been forced to study them for the past two thousand five hundred years. NARRATOR 2 Not awesome. NARRATOR 1 So… for today’s presentation we will delve into the relationship between man and myth, the creation of the world, the exploits of the heroes, the nature of the universe, all intertwined on this craggy peninsula we call… Greece. (NARRATOR 1 exits.)
Copyright 2009 Don Zolidis
Chapter II. The Birth of Zeus. Parenting—Greek Style. NARRATOR 2 At first there were the Titans. (CRONOS and RHEA (played by NARRATOR 1) enter.) The king of the titans was Cronos. CRONOS My loyal subjects! (He looks around and notices only RHEA sitting there.) Or subject. (RHEA raises her hand.) What. RHEA Now that you have been elected king, how are you going to work harder to make life better for the little titans out there? CRONOS Next question. RHEA Where’s everybody else? NARRATOR 2 And there were many titans, people like… Prometheus, (PROMETHEUS enters) Epi… Epi… (PROMETHEUS whispers in NARRATOR 2’s ear.) Epimetheus, and um… Oceanus and another guy and a guy with a hundred hands and this other dude and Uranus. (He snorts.) Uranus. (URANUS enters.) URANUS I don’t want to be this character. NARRATOR 2 Why not? URANUS I don’t like my name.
URANUS That’s it! I quit. I said I wasn’t going to be Uranus. (URANUS throws down his crown and is about to leave.) CRONOS Boy Uranus is really sore. URANUS Ag!>* *Feel free to cut these lines. NARRATOR 2 All right fine. Let’s call you the big U. URANUS Okay then. CRONOS Thank you Rhea. Now, I had a dream the other night that my children will one day rise up and kill us all. Thoughts? (The TITANS aren’t sure what to do.) URANUS I’ve got a crazy idea. Maybe you shouldn’t have kids? CRONOS Out of the question, Big U. PROMETHEUS Um… how about you leave them in a basket, put them on the side of a mountain or something? CRONOS Seems kinda cliché. RHEA How about we simply raise them in a family filled with love? (The TITANS look at her. Then laugh.) CRONOS Seriously, anyone have a good idea? URANUS Okay, how about this: After each child is born, you eat them. (CRONOS considers it.)
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CRONOS That sounds logical. RHEA You want to eat my babies? CRONOS This is why women can’t be in charge of anything. They can’t make the tough decisions. Eating babies it is. Nice idea, Big U. URANUS Thanks, your majesty. NARRATOR 2 So—Cronos began an enlightened dictatorship where he ruled by moral example over the other titans. CRONOS mmm… babies. NARRATOR 2 And every few years Rhea gave birth to one of his children and he promptly ate them. CRONOS Anybody got any ketchup? NARRATOR 2 Now I know what you’re thinking out there: I’m not sure this is the proper family relationship. But you’re just looking at it with modern eyes, in ancient times it was perfectly acceptable to… okay, it was always gross. RHEA Cronos, can we talk? CRONOS Sure honey, what’s up? RHEA This is hard for me to say: I’d like you to stop eating our children. CRONOS Nag nag nag nag nag, that’s all you ever do! NARRATOR 2 So Rhea did the only thing she could do—they went to therapy.
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(A COUNSELOR enters and they sit.) THERAPIST That’s interesting. And how do you feel about him eating the children? RHEA It makes me feel… upset. THERAPIST Go on. RHEA Cause he’s a jerk— THERAPIST That’s a blaming statement. We’re not using blaming statements here. CRONOS I feel upset now. THERAPIST It’s okay, Cronos. It’s Rhea’s turn to share right now. Are you listening to her? CRONOS Yes. THERAPIST Good. I think we’re making progress. Go on Rhea. Tell Cronos how you feel. RHEA Cronos, when you eat my babies it makes me… THERAPIST If you don’t share your feelings with him, he’ll never know. RHEA It makes me feel angry because a lot of work into those babies and you eating them… THERAPIST Keep going! We’re getting somewhere now. RHEA Means that you’re eating our love. CRONOS Can I respond to that? Copyright 2009 Don Zolidis
THERAPIST Please. That’s why we’re here. CRONOS Rhea— THERAPIST Yes. Look at her. CRONOS You need to stop complaining or I’ll eat you next. THERAPIST No no we’re backsliding, remember what we talked about in our last session— CRONOS No death threats— THERAPIST That’s right, no death threats. Positive statements, Cronos. Positive statements. CRONOS Okay, um… it makes me feel good to threaten to kill— THERAPIST No. No. Cronos? CRONOS Okay. Rhea I’m sorry you’re upset that I eat our children. But… I don’t feel that… you respect my decision to eat the children enough— RHEA What! THERAPIST Listen to him. Hear him out. RHEA He’s crazy! CRONOS This is what I’m talking about, Doctor. Right there. No respect! RHEA I don’t respect anyone who eats babies!
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CRONOS Oh sure and you’ve never done anything wrong in this marriage! What about that time when the soup was cold? THERAPIST Maybe— CRONOS You’re not even trying to make this marriage work! RHEA Are you kidding me?! THERAPIST (overlapping) Let’s try to remain positive— CRONOS Where is the love?! Huh? Where is the affection!!! THERAPIST Okay. Okay. Stop. Let’s just sit down and try to move forward. We’re going to try an exercise I like to call `sharing time’. So here’s what we do: Cronos, you share something you haven’t told Rhea, and then Rhea, you share something you haven’t told Cronos. Okay? Can we try that? CRONOS I guess. THERAPIST Cronos. You first. What haven’t you told Rhea? CRONOS Um… Rhea… I think your sister is hotter than you. RHEA What! THERAPIST Now Rhea. What would you like to share with Cronos? RHEA Okay—you know how the last baby you ate was all tough? CRONOS I figured he was going to be god of earthquakes or something.
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RHEA Actually that wasn’t a baby. That was a rock. CRONOS What? RHEA And I’ve been raising that child ever since to kill you. CRONOS What? RHEA Come on in, Zeus! (ZEUS enters.) CRONOS See what I mean! She’s been lying to me! RHEA Kill him Zeus! THERAPIST (shouting over them) There has to be a healthier way to address family conflicts! RHEA Get him boy! ZEUS Rarrrrrgh! NARRATOR 2 Oh yeah, and in the middle of this Cronos puked up all the kids he had eaten and they banded together and— (they all stop to look at him.) What? I’m not making this up. This is straight from Wikipedia. ZEUS This myth is kinda gross. NARRATOR 2 Most of them are. Anyway—the regurgitated children formed a team and they had a big war and eventually defeated Cronos and the titans and banished them forever. ZEUS
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Score! RHEA Hey um… since you’re banishing the Titans, does that mean I’m— ZEUS You’re banished too, Mom! RHEA What? ZEUS And you too, Titan Marriage Counselor! COUNSELOR Dang it. (COUNSELOR and HERA leave.) ZEUS Now… I, Zeus shall rule the world as an enlightened leader and guide, using the principles of democracy and fair play to inform my decision-making skills. And I will never, ever seduce any mortal women because that would be wrong. (ZEUS spots a girl in the audience.) What’s up? Um… I don’t know if you’re into this kind of thing, but uh… I’m king of the Gods. (RHEA transforms back into NARRATOR 1.) NARRATOR 1 Yeah, that lasted for all of about five minutes. (This play will be available soon from www.playscripts.com. In the meantime, please contact me at [email protected] for rights and full copies of the scripts. Performances are $75.)
Copyright 2009 Don Zolidis
