Clothes zonk the man
By Randy Attwood It's time to ring the alarm bell on men's fashions. They're ugly. And getting worse. Most of those spring sport coats look as if they'd light up.if you plugged them in. Others must have been designed by a crazed computer. Plaids are now being worn with striped pants. Striped coats are now being worn with shirts which have been subjected to shotgun blasts of flowers. And the colors! , Lemon yellows, screaming reds, and even sherbet orange, for heaven's sake. Americans abroad in these outfits stick out like dips of Baskin Robbin's ice cream.
Buy personality . And you can't just buy a suit, you have to take its. personality. You try on a Johnny Carson suit and' start swinging an imaginary golf club. And the material! . Does anyone remember the feel of pure cotton or wool? Now you have to have something slick sliding over your skin called polyester. When I was in college polyesters were things you put in test tubes, you certainly never thought of having them next to your skin. Ten per cent rayon, 51 per cent dacron, 34 per cent this-ron. You'U soon need a computer to run your washing machine.
Washing chambers No, no, some bright lad will put those drivethrough car washes and men's fashions together and come up with a walk-in cleaner for the polyester man. A little chamber. You step in with your· clothes on and - i-wash ~ you step out, the clothes still on your back all cleaned and pressed.
Styled for brutes And the styles! . Most jackets and suits these days are made for that all-around good American Joe with a paunch and a square jaw. Those outlandish matches of flower prints, oscillating plaids, and pulsating stripes are a kind of dodge to assure you that this great bear approaching just couldn't be mean. He'll just crunch your hand and lumber on. And in college I thought I was a radical. Conservatism, please.