Babes Against Ackwiss By John Battle

Babes Against Ackwiss This is a deadly adventure. It’s a one shot, it can be inserted into your campaign. And if you’re higher level, or playing a system that takes it easier on the PCs than say 1e, Swords and Wizardry, or AD&D, it might not be as deadly…no promises though.

What’s It About?

The Babes

It’s about a giant named Ackwiss (giants are very literal in spelling), his roaming fortress, and his twenty Babes (they’re really princesses but who’s going to disagree with a giant?). He’s captured the party for his entertainment and put them in his coliseum. They’ll have to work together with his concubines to make an escape.

Roll a twenty-sided die X amount of times (X equaling the number of PCs). Those are the princesses currently captured by Ackwiss. Take out those notecards and write down the descriptions (feel free to embellish) and lay them out on the table. You can also just print the page and cut them out. The player with the fastest time picks first. So on and so forth until they have all been doled out. Included below are their:  Wants – which are primary and what they seek at the moment*  Respects – which are the type of characters they are attracted to  Goals – which are long term endeavors that they hope to share with the Player  Escape Plan – which is how they will help the player escape if the wants, respects, and goals are met.  Escape Reward – which is what the Babe will grant the player if she escapes with the player *If you’re confused as to how to RP each princess, just remember their wants. Those are what they say, what they act on. Everything else is like a deeper level. The players must meet that first level to unlock them.

What Do You Need? Your phone with a timer app (or a stop watch), a deck of cards, some note cards, basic RPG rules for any system, dice, and some friends who are fun to be around.

The Coliseum Let’s start the adventure. Set up is easy.  PCs are in the coliseum.  They’re waking up from the effects of a sleeping potion, no armor, no weapons.  There are other people waking up. One for each PC (statted at the same level as the PCs*).  Ackwiss is a big, beautiful giant and he stands from his throne and says “Ackwiss is like, totally blessed to have you in his righteous battleground…like, begin.”.  Start the timer  Look at the timer. Look at the party. If no one does anything have one of the randos charge at a PC.  When someone gets a kill mark down their time and remove them from the fight.  The fight is over when everyone’s got a kill or is dead.  Ackwiss congratulates the survivors and gives them their prizes. *For quick reference, give the opponents 4-5hp per level of the PCs, and a to-hit bonus equal to their level. Make them humanoid and no one has weapons or armor.

The Escape The PCs have their Babes. They’ve been taken to their resting chambers. You’ve laid out the locations so they can see them. Next, set your timer for 10 minutes (in secret or in the open) and let them do whatever they want to do: talk to the Babes, buy equipment, explore, get themselves killed by Ackwiss, whatever. After the 10 minutes are up you roll a die with a number of sides equal to the amount of PCs (4 players means a D4, 6 a D6, if an odd number just make the highest number a reroll). The player to your left is number 1. The player to his/her left is number 2. So on and so on. Roll the die and point to the person it has chosen and say “(insert character’s name), report to the Coliseum for your next challenge”.

The Fortress The giant’s fortress has many tricks, traps, and treats for brave adventurers who want to explore. Write them out on notecards and lay them out however you like, with the Coliseum in the center. Here are the locations and the obvious things the PCs can do in each one:  The Coliseum – Watch the fights, learn about opponents  Kitchen – Eat food (replenish health), mix potions, try random potions/alcohols  Sex Chamber – Gain inspiration/advantage/blessings while sleeping with Babes who like you (takes the entire ten minutes)  Ackwiss Shrine – Temple to Ackwiss, can follow him as a deity, grants powers, gives Acwkiss powers, guarded by sentries.  Ackwiss Throne – Where he calls people for meetings  Ackwiss Chambers – Giant bed of Ackwiss, sleeps here 90% of the time  Stockades – Where anyone is locked up if caught being a douche  Bathrooms – Where people shit and deal illegal drugs/magic items  The Bar – Where you can carouse with the Babes or by yourself

The 52

Complications

This is where the deck of cards comes in to play. The player called to the Coliseum must face another battle to the death (or there’s the unspoken rule that if you tickle the opponent into submission that counts as a K.O.). They draw from a standard deck of cards and this will tell them who they will face. If they win then they take that card’s place and are given a reward equal to 1,000 x the number on the card in gp (jacks, queens, kings, and aces follow as 11, 12, 13, and 14).  Spades are humanoids, hearts are magic users, clubs are animals, diamonds are monsters.  The number on the card represents the HD of the person/monster and the attack bonus. Give them an armor class equal to 10 + the number on their card (which makes 20 the highest, excluding the named cards).  For magic users (hearts), The number on the card represents the HD, and level of the spellcaster. Give them three spells or so, and allow them to use them a number of times a day equal to their level. Give them a staff and dagger or something for when they run out and an armor class of 10-12 depending on your system.  The Jokers are fun. Trademarked Joker is an auto-win for the Player. Untrademarked Jocker is Ackwiss himself*  If you need ideas/help I’ve provided some random tables to create opponents for each suite. *see below for “stats”

The other Players each roll a D4 to determine complications* 1. None 2. Location 3. Babe 4. Ackwiss**

* Repeat this process until everyone either escapes or dies, or until everyone joins Ackwiss and decides that a life of servitude isn’t so bad after all. **Ackwiss is willing to pay to make his demands be met. He’ll spend upwards of 50,000gp per request. He’s a good haggler and likes to pay in artworks, food products (cheese and wine), and dresses.

Roleplaying Ackwiss You remember Dexter’s Laboratory? Valhalla? The blonde, Thor rip-off with the flying V? If not, you’ve heard Tom Delonge speak, right? Keanu Reeves in “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure”? Southern Californian stereotype. Just do that.

So How Does it End? 

Like warned at the beginning, this is a deadly adventure. So it ends when everyone dies.  It ends when all surviving players escape, which they can do any number of ways, including but not limited to: o Fulfilling the wants, respects, and goals of a princess* o Fighting to the rank of Ace in a suit and winning their next match o Paying Ackwiss 100,000gp for wasting his time  This adventure is also over if all surviving PCs decide to stay and fight or work with Ackwiss to run his harem/battle fortress. If you don’t like these endings feel free to stat Ackwiss and make a big, final showdown. But if the PCs could kill him the whole time, they would have done that to begin with. He’s a being of immense power** and he does this for fun. If it comes down to fighting him and players lay a lot of pain on him, he’d probably just leave and say “yep, this isn’t fun anymore” and burn down the fortress, so I guess that’s another way to end the game. *The escapes listed for each Princess can be RPed or just narrated. They’re all sort of odd or possibly quest inducing, but that’s for after this adventure. **If you’re wondering what I mean by “immense power”, he is the size of a colossus, can choke out a dragon, and likes to polymorph people into steak and eggs and put them in his icebox for breakfast the next day. He’s not edgy, just a bored plot piece.

Location Complications (roll a D20) 1. Nymph takes Babes hostage unless you tell spectacular story. 2. Lich will give thing Babe wants in exchange for Ackwiss' lamp. 3. Eric the Kobold is in the hall, shuffling his Deck of Many Things. 4. Potion mishap! If they drink anything in the kitchen it gives a wild magic effect. 5. A new princess saw you fight and wants to help you escape before she becomes a Babe. 6. A cleric moves into the shrine. Any Babe who sees it wants marriage. 7. The stockades are looking for you. 1d4 guard dispatched to your room immediately. 8. Your room is trapped (pit fall at the door, tripwire by the bed, bucket of water falls on your head). This is obviously noticeable, but who set them up? 9. 1d8 members of the family of the man you killed in the coliseum are looking for you in the stands. They will attack if you go there. 10. There’s a man selling magic items in the hall. They’re of an outrageously low price. They’re secretly cursed. 11. There’s a man selling magic items in the hall. But he’ll only sell them if you’re not human.

12. There’s a machine set up in the Sex Chambers that will randomly rearrange your body. 13. There’s a big snake under your bed that wants to eat you. 14. The floor in your room is lava (player can’t put their feet on the ground or they get burned!). 15. There’s a strange man in the coliseum selling animals at high prices. The animals are polymorphed victims of the coliseum. 16. A spirt is hanging out in the shrine and wants to pay you 10,000gp to take your body for a ride (lasts 10 minutes, roll on the carousing table). 17. A dragon is hanging out in the coliseum. He’ll give you a large amount of gold, a magic item, or something else reasonable if you bring him someone to eat (preferably female, preferably a virgin). 18. A group of dopplegangers hang out and turn into the other party members, trying to trick you into going to sleep or getting killed so they can take your place. The problem is that there are like twelve of them. 19. There’s an assassin for hire in the bathroom, but he requires your soul to fulfill a mission. 20. A Mage sets up shop in an empty chamber and casts spells for gold (100gp X spell level + ingredients)

Babe Complications (roll a D20) 1. One becomes jealous of the other and refuses to help as long as she’s there 2. One wants to be yours forever. “Kill the others and we can escape tonight.” 3. Two of them have fallen for each other and are plotting to kill you. 4. One doesn’t cast a reflection. 5. One disappears. Escapes without you. 6. One leaves for another PC 7. One of the PC’s comes to you and asks for help. 8. Your favorite wants you to kill Ackwiss. 9. Your favorite wants you to kill a PC. 10. Your favorite wants you to get her something. NOW!

11. Your favorite is locked in the stockades. 12. Your favorite tries to attempt a coup. 13. One wants some alone time with you in the sex chamber. 14. One wants a fancy gift or she’s going to leave. 15. One wants to cuddle and hear a story. 16. She has some tough questions about your future together. 17. One wants to have sex. Lasts ten minutes at least. 18. One turns up dead in your bed. 19. The lot of them kick you out of your room and lock the door. 20. Marriage.

Ackwiss Complications (roll a D20) 1. He knows you want to escape and dares you to try. 2. He knows you want to escape and invites you to dinner. 3. He wants you to drink this potion that’ll make you a Babe (sex change), and if you’re a girl, he just asks if you want to be one. 4. He wants you to do a dance for him (make the player actually dance). 5. He wants you to tell him a poem (doesn’t have to rhyme). 6. He wants you to tell him a “good” poem (does have to rhyme). 7. He wants one of your Babes cause he just feels like it. 8. He sends some guards to rough you up and throw you in the stockade. 9. He thinks you’re ugly and so kills you and pays to reincarnate you in a new body (randomly decided). 10. Thinks your kinda dumb and gives you a belt of giant strength, cause it makes you “smart” like him. 11. Doesn’t like the way you talk and casts a permanent “silence” spell on you. 12. Doesn’t like that you’re right (or left) handed. Must use the other hand for all rolls, writing, etc. 13. Thinks you’re too sober. Take a shot. No, not your character. You. 14. Thinks one of the Party is trying to escape and wants you to eliminate them. 15. Thinks one of the Party is trying to escape and wants you to lead them into a trap. 16. Thinks one of the Party is trying to escape and wants you to give them this sex change potion (or love potion if they’re a girl) so that they’ll have to be a Babe. 17. Thinks you’re trying to escape but doesn’t tell you. He just wants to have a drink. The drink is an amnesia potion. 18. Thinks one of the Party is trying to escape and wants you to convince them that staying is better. 19. Wants you to get him another Babe by any means. 20. Wants to drink with you (roll on carousing table).

1. Luna – Black haired, black

6. Connie – Skeleton,

11. Tarsha – Amazonian, chocolate

eyed, pale skinned, knight. Wants – To be free Respects – Strength, Archetypal Hero Goals – Defeat Ackwiss Escape Plan – Brute force escape, real bad ass Escape Reward – Knight’s Crest, 1/day summon someone you’ve bested in a duel

beautifully glowing, surprisingly soft Wants – true, undying, undead love Respects – Caring gifts and sappy poems Goals – Find a surrogate mother and have undead children Escape Plan – Contact her undead hoard and have them rescue her Escape Reward – Soul dagger steals appearance of person stabbed, plus several undead minions that replenish every day.

skin, muscular Wants – to dominate people Respects – height, strength Goals – eliminate all past lovers of her new love Escape Plan – Fuck Ackwiss Escape Reward – Ivory Potion grants great size and strength

2. Mimi – Black haired, hollow eyes, sickly grey skin, petite Wants – Food, always more food Respects – Evil for her sake Goals – To eat a person whole (she’s a mimic in human form) Escape Plan – To wear the skin of a guard and walk away Escape Reward – Kabuki Mask that changes your face, steel choker that changes your body

7. Sasha – Gelatinous girl, chubby but in that really hot way, blue slime Wants – to dissolve magical items inside her body Respects – the odd, and willingness to be odd Goals – dissolve an artifact…it would taste so good Escape Plan – dissolve her way out Escape Reward – Life Pearl gives objects sentience

3. Adnama – shadow, but a sexy looking shadow Wants – a powerful body to control Respects – Darkvision, cold blooded creatures Goals – To take control of a spell caster Escape Plane – Extradimensional escape Escape Reward -Shadow Lantern which makes the wielder a living shadow

4. Jasmine

8. Harriet – Harpy, red haired,

bird-faced Wants – shiny objects, no matter how dangerous Respects – small people, fearlessness Goals – hoard as much as she can carry and bail Escape Plan – pick you up and fly Escape Reward – Golden Feather grants – Draconic, red scaled, the ability to fly

greedy eyes Wants – all the money she can carry Respects – wealth and fear Goals – to rob the place blind Escape Plan – buy her way out Escape Reward – hand mirror that makes two copies of whoever activates it

5. Mandy – blonde hair, blue eyes, pale skin Wants – danger and adventure Respects – chaotic good choices, Han Solo types Goals – Return to her kingdom and get her inheritance Escape Plan – Make a dramatic speech that sways Ackwiss Escape Reward – Her father will give you 10,000gp per grandchild you give him

9. Cargukka – Orc, green skinned, soft but strong Wants – to fight, fuck, and eat Respects – Submission, good fathers Goals – find a man to raise a kid while she runs the tribe Escape Plan – fight her way out Escape Reward – Primordial dust gives regeneration to survive the battlefield

12. Sandy – succubus, devil horns, dark grey skin, red tail Wants – something to occupy her time Respects – openness, polyamory Goals – gather bitches for her harem Escape Plan – Just walk the fuck out Escape Reward – Shade Brace creates a copy of a living thing

13. Sapphire – goblin, huge tits, big ass, fangs Wants – sex 24/7 Respects – dominators, monogamy Goals – have too many children Escape Plan – escape through the cracks in the walls Escape Reward – King’s Crown grants charisma boost and unwavering faithfulness

14. Dawn – elf, body-painted clothes, graceful muscles Wants – to paint and be left alone (but not really) Respects – art, nakedness Goals – to become a professional artist Escape Plan – buy her way out with her art Escape Reward – elves seek you out as a haven of pleasure

15. Asha – an Asian version of the neurotic girl from Breakfast Club Wants – to never have to speak Respects – charismatic types who do the talking Goals – continue her %100 assassination record Escape Plan – Kill the guards and walk out Escape Reward – An invisibility cloak that hides you from scrying

10. Finley – Dwarf, beard?, tiny, always has hands on hips Wants – more drink, people to not think she’s short Respects – someone who can outdrink her Goals – find a warrior partner Escape Plan – drink the vanishing drink Escape Reward – Fungus Vodka which makes even the vilest creatures passive

T h e

B a b e s

16. Cameron – Ogre, coffee skin, horns and fangs, gentle complexion Wants – another ogre to love and waxphilosophical with Respects – nature, patience Goals – live in a cottage somewhere in the forest Escape Plan – Through the plants Escape Reward – You become an ogre

17. Abby – living spell, blue arcane energy in sexy form Wants – to feel something like a real person Respects – magic, the arcane Goals – to gain a human body Escape Plan – through magic Escape Reward – Crystal Salts which capture emotions, dreams, memories, and spells to be used later.

18. Turquoise – Mousefolk, chubby, grease monkey Wants – to always be doing something with her hands Respects – intelligence, craftsmanship Goals – to create an invention that changes the world Escape Plan – she isn’t sure but it involves explosions Escape Reward – Her and her eleven sisters will give you contacts anywhere you go

19. Jenny – djinn, blue skinned, ghostly tail, always naked Wants – to be carried in a lamp Respects – well thought out requests Goals – to make someone extremely rich Escape Plan – hide in a lamp and be carried out Escape Reward – she’ll grant a wish

20. Hera – Viking warrior, sandy hair, tall and strong Wants – to fuck and fight a lot of people Respects – casual sex and 1 on 1 combat Goals – to raid and conquer a coast of her own Escape Plan – sleep with Ackwiss and his guards or fight them Escape Reward – The Draught Wolf which is the size of a horse, carries gear, and absorbs electricity

Spades

D8 Name 1 Tiller 2 Chomlin 3 Braxton 4 Leslie 5 Deerbrat 6 Connie 7 Turk 8 Theodore

Hearts

D8

Diamonds

Clubs

D8

D8

Name 1 Gilderam 2 Blixelstix 3 Tim 4 Garglestagger 5 Stinkfuck 6 Funkel-Strem 7 Uncle Fungus 8 Drink Me!

Weapon

Fighting Style

Armor

Definining Feature

Grandfather's Bastard Sword Lots of dancing Tower shield and plate Orc-bathed, Twin-headed Axe Stoic, unmoving Naked, speed Bone-strength Warhammer Jackie Chan Movie Dragon bones, faux Ghost bow of Intellect House of Flying Daggers Just simple leather Motorized, saw-blade Halberd Tank Conan-style Single-shot, 1942's rifle Cowardly Superhero tights Radioactive power gauntlet Jason Statham in Crank Trenchcoat, sunglasses Bare knuckle brawler Nolan's Batman Invisible forcefield

Two eye patches Dwarven beard of silver Robotic arm/leg Darth Vader-like breathing Speaks pig latin Ambidextrious Gender nuetral Farts constantly

Spellcaster

Favorite Spell

Garb

Defining Feature

Familiar

Beautiful, Ancient Witch Fresh-from-college Wizard Meta-Knowledgable Warlock Chris-Angel-Style Magician Uppity, Hipster Sorcerer Animal Necromancer Cleric of the Forgotten God Technomancer

Polymorph Blink Darkness Body Switch Empty Bladder The Big Stink Just Kinda Dizzy Kamikaze Fireball

Traditional Robes Fullmetal Alchemist Hoody and Sweats Suit, Tie, Shined Shoes Gas Mask and Hazmat Suit Like Your Father Frankenfurter The Big Lebowski

Useless Tentacle Legs Third, Cycloptic Eye Butterfly Wings Big Booty, Squats Likes to Throw Shoe Shity Faux-Hawk Shits mushrooms Horse Head

Giant Toad Black Cat Mechanical Owl Pocket-Sized Dwarf Living Snowball Toy Army Soldier Deflated Football Their Glass Eyeball

Animal

Defining Feature

1 House-Sized Wolf 2 The Only Bengal Tiger 3 Black Polar Bear 4 Tyrannosaurus Rex 5 Giant Golden Eagle 6 Black Cat 7 Gargantuan Praying Mantis 8 Horse-sized Black Widow

None Metal Limbs Arcane Golem Gnarled Scar Across Torso Blind Eyes, Sensetive Hearing Intelligent, Can Speak Striped Like Zebra Inexplicably Sexy

Monster 1 Well-Behaved Basilisk 2 Hungry Manticore 3 Zombie of a Lost King 4 Sarcastic Mech 5 Human-Sized Imp 6 Red Displacer Beast 7 Hippie Troll 8 Horse-Sized Phase Spider

Special

Defining Feature

None Blinks Breath Weapon Wings Telekenesis Burrow Speed Aura of Stink Swallow Whole

Human Head Dragon Tail Angel Wings Wears Hats Carries a Weapon Wolvering Claws Upside Down Face Speaks in Riddles

Potions

D8

Carousing

D6

Color 1 Blueish Green 2 Blood Red 3 Pale Moonlight 4 Abyssal Black 5 Dragon Hide 6 Ghostly Silver 7 Deep Ocean Blue 8 Conflagration Orange

Smell

What's It Effect? How So?

Unique

Metal Shavings in Cheese Milk and Iron Whiskey, 100 proof The last thing you ate Turkey Dinner Orange Juice, Max Pulp Sea Water Sweat, Ice, and Fire

New Book Dead Body Wet Newspaper Orc Sex Tent Exotic Fruits Recent Orgasm Drying Oil Chocolate Milk

Full Body Head Arms Legs Hands Feet Eyes Bodily Fluids

Turns to Chocolate Turns to Solid Gold Grows Beholder Eyes Dragon-like (scales, elemental) Doubles It (so 4 eyes, 4 arms) Replaced by Animal Part Switches With Nearest Persons Become Gelatinous

You Go Carousing Porn Star 1 Drunk Betting Table The One You Like the Least 2 Get a Porn Star Pregnant Your Choice 3 Get in a Brawl Not Only Guy, Maybe Not Yours 4 Wake Up in the Stockades Ackwiss' Daughter 5 Come To With a New Tattoo Not Even a Porn Star 6 Wake Up in Ackwiss' Bed Royalty, Wants to Keep It

Shrinks by 1/2 Grows x2 Extremely Hairy Turns Invisible Polymoprh Into Object Love Potion Giant Strength Unique

Brawl With A(n)

Stockades With A(n) Tattoo of

Wimp (Win) Orc (Play it Out) Adventurer (Play it Out) Crippled Goblin (Win) Saint (Loss) Ackwiss (Lose*)

Band of Goblins Orc Tribe Leader Displacer Beast Sloppy Doppleganger Assassin Clone of You

Your Mother A Map to Buried Treasure Your Last Kill Immortality Potion Formula An Escape Route (False) An Escape Route (True)

*Probably turns you into a sheep for 10 minutes

Drunk Betting Table D8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Wild Magic

Taste

D8

You Spend* On Betting Tickets With Odds And You Owe The Money To 1d4 x 10gp 2 to 1 Win The Demon Xylo 1d8 x 10gp 4 to 1 Lose The Dragon Pelimore 100gp 5 to 1 Several Were-Sharks 1,000gp 10 to 1 A Relative of Ackwiss 2,000gp 20 to 1 Ackwiss Himself 5,000gp 50 to 1 An Alternate Version of You 10,000gp 100 to 1 A Time Traveler 100,000gp 1 to 1, cause you're drunk A Rich, Drunk, Tycoon * If player doesn't have the gp, they take out a loan and owe someone a lot of money

Affects 1 Target 2 Target + Caster/Drinker 3 Caster/Drinker 4 10' Area Around Caster/Drinker 5 20' Area Around Caster/Drinker 6 Entire Room 7 100' Area Around Caster/Drinker 8 Everyone in Sight

Doing The Following

And…

As Well As…

Next person who sees you falls in love Teeth Become Sentient Must Sing Everything Facial Features Disappear Gold Weights 100x More Exchange Places With Nearest Virgin Turned Into Sheep And… (roll again and on next table)

Attributes Drop by 3 All Items Enchanted with Explosive Runes Dysentery Stop! Criminal! Exchange Places with Nearest Lich Ages 5d10 years Time Stops for 1d4 turns As Well As… (roll again and on next table)

Sent to Alternate Reality Thought to be Ruler of Small Kingdom Knows the First Name of Everyone Within 100' Must Graze Like A Cow For Food Sinks up to Knees in the Ground Can't Sleep for 5d4 Days Must Eat Brains to Surivive Is Believed to be King

Reincarnation/Body Swap Chart D8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Race Dwarf Elf Gnome Half-elf Half-orc Halfing Human Monsterous

Monsterous Orc Bugbear Gnoll Goblin Kobold Lizardfolk Troglodyte Animal

Credits Adventure designed by John Battle Artwork by: Kentaki Kotaki Eva Widermann Amanda Duarte Runajia Yangsheyy

Animal Mouse Pidgeon Turtle Donkey Sheep Deer Cockroach Elephant

Complications None Roll 2 Quirks Random Attribute -2 Two right arms Tentacle legs Goat horns Paper white skin Blind

Quirk Twitches Speaks in rhymes Pig latin Thinks they're a spellcaster Another souls is trapped with you Smell attracts undead Opposite sex Opposite handed